Why the hell am I making myself so sad and anxious. I’m merely going back home. I still have 6 days holidays in Singapore and I’m gonna stay two nights in a very nice hotel. It simply doesn’t make any sense that I’m sad and anxious. My family is fine. They have a good life here. They give me the space. I’m grateful for what I have.

About the lump in my breasts. I’m going to have them checked as soon as I finish my next period. I’m going to find out what they are and know my next steps. There’s so many unknowns in my life but in order to make it known. I need to do something.

What are your goals for feeling better? Not to dwell on what can’t change and focus on what can change. See things from a different perspective. I’m feeling miserable right now but at the same time, I understand how lucky I am. Although I understand how lucky I am, I am still feeling miserable. I tried not to listen to the unuseful thoughts and focus on what I can do, I still don’t want to get out of bed. I think the change of my holiday really threw me off. Funny thing is, this isn’t the first time my plan changed unexpectedly. I usually came out fine and I know when I look back one day, I’ll also be fine.

How specific or well defined are they? Not to judge myself for feeling miserable as it’s normal emotions. Accept this is how I currently feel and I’ll come out of it eventually.

How will achieving them make a difference in how you feel? Stop judging myself and think others might handle it better than me.

I was due to fly to Dubai yesterday on 1/3 to start my very exciting travel to Dubai, Egypt, Jordan and Turkey. Unfortunately, my flight got cancelled due to a war break out between America, Israel and Iran. Luckily I had not started my journey so I got to stay in Melbourne that is safe.

I know how lucky I am as if I were to start a day early, I would have to be stuck mid air or in Dubai. While I know how lucky I am, I can’t help but feel annoyed and frustrated. Some hotels in Turkey wouldn’t let me cancel the bookings free of charge as they said Turkey is safe. Of course I know Turkey is safe but I physically can’t be there. Those two hotels cost me over 1000 and they wouldn’t even let me modify the dates. What’s more is the two domestic flights in Turkey. I have very little chance to get any refund.

I was really looking forward to my trip as I really treated myself well with my very first first class experience with Emirates and I booked some really nice hotels.

I spent all day yesterday calling and waiting to talk to customer service. I was thinking of maybe going back to Brisbane and back to work. But I have a house sitter at home and she was really looking forward to staying in my unit.

I know I can’t go back to Brisbane as I’d go back to work. I needed this break so bad. My body was so inflamed and I was so tired. My entire being was longing for this holiday.

I tried to book a flight to Istanbul but it’s gonna take me over 36 hours to get there. My initial plan was to take my time and comfortably get to all the countries. Now if I forced myself to take the 36 hours trip to Istanbul, I know my body wouldn’t forgive me.

So in the end, I decided to go back to Taiwan via Singapore. I’m gonna fly economy but at least it’ll be day time. I purposely break the trip so I won’t get too tired.

I moved from the airport hotel to city and I can’t get happy. The weather is miserable here and I don’t think Melbourne is beautiful at all!

I know being happy is my choice but at present, I’m just miserable.

I’m grateful that I’m not in the war zone. I still have a warm bed and I have money. I’m worried my hyperthyroidism will flare up again like last time. Although I want my mum to see me more but for my wellbeing, I need to spend less time at home. I need to take care of myself after all.

I’m gonna book the flight from Taiwan to Australia tomorrow. Today I need to rest.

從小到大，很常聽到養兒防老這個語句。曾經我也很相信，還一直擔心我年紀愈來愈大，一直沒有找到伴侶來生小孩怎麼辦？老了誰了照顧我。

但在社區護理做久了，就知道自己的擔心非常無謂。有太多的老人，是完全沒人照顧的。他們都有小孩。但小孩不願也無力照顧他們。有些是根本也完全沒聯絡了。

最近的客戶，因為皮膚癌植皮失敗，傷口一直癒合不了。醫生希望他能住院加速癒合。客戶也知道住院是最好的選項，但，

他的太太失智，無法自己一個人待在家裡。上次客戶要去醫院開刀住院，他安排了好久才找到一個暫時安置中心。太太兩個禮拜後回家，完全不記得家。過了好一陣子才回復正常生活。

所以，客戶心裡知道他住院是最好的安排，但他實在是不願意再讓他太太去暫時安置中心。

我問客戶，你們有小孩嗎？

有的，有三個小孩。但他們都無法接受媽媽失智，無法照顧。其中兩個小孩都有自己的家跟生活，無法抽出時間來照顧媽媽。另一個則是世界到處跑，也無力照顧。

客戶很無奈。他完全被卡住。

所以雖然請護士每天去他家幫傷口換藥很貴，他還是得花這個錢。因為至少他可以待在家裡照顧太太。

我一直記得吳淡如說的話，女人要有錢。這是真的。錢真的很重要。與其想著讓小孩將來照顧自己，更重要的是把自己顧好，將來花錢請他人來照顧自己。

就算小孩真的有心想照顧好了，有誰又能確定小孩會活得比自己久？

年輕人因為意外或是疾病死掉的比比皆是。棺材裡裝的是死人，不是老人啊。

Tried a new hairdresser and I really loved it. She didn’t sugarcoat anything. She straight out said my hair is very difficult to manage and there isn’t much she can do apart from cutting it. I love the end result though. My hair looks so much healthier. I love my natural curls as well. I think I do better with short hair at around my collar bone.

The man I had one date with reached out to me today after two weeks. Naturally I forgot about his existence. I was a bit annoyed as his text reeks casual catching up and lack of confidence. I said goodbye to him as I really don’t need him in my life. He doesn’t add any value into my life.

Wow. It feels great to say this out loud. He truly doesn’t add any value into my life. I’m glad I didn’t spend a week talking to him on the app. I asked him to meet straight away. To his credit, he came to my side of town but that’s about all the effort he put in. Nothing more.

Sigh. What a loser!

I did a hypnosis session with a client who doesn’t have any specific issues and I kinda like it. She just wanted to try hypnosis. I talked to her for about 25 minutes to get to know her and then did a 20 minutes hypnosis.

I’m very pleased with myself as I’m being flexible.

I started rewatching Stranger Things because I wanted to remember what happened before I watch season 5. I thought it’s gonna be boring to rewatch the show but to my surprise, I still enjoy it a lot rewatching the show even though I kinda remember the ending. A good show is a good show regardless how many times I watch it.

I’m grateful for a restful night. I think I slept 10 hours.

I’m grateful for the convenience of the internet as I get to book my trips overseas in the comfort of my home.

I’m grateful that I didn’t just rush into a relationship coz then I wouldn’t have the life I’m having now.

I’m grateful for the flaky men online showing their true colours so early so I don’t have to waste my time on them.

I’m grateful to have a quiet cat.

I’m grateful for a restful night sleep.

I’m grateful for having Vivian in my life.

I’m grateful for my body’s ability to keep everything functional.

I’m grateful that I have money to buy quality food for Happy.

在澳洲住了十幾年，這次回台灣，才發現自己真的水土不服了。

明明是從小到大熟悉的環境、熟悉的味道，卻怎麼都不太對勁。

吃我以前愛吃的食物，胃卻馬上脹氣。看起來沒什麼問題的便當，白飯佔大半，蔬菜少得可憐，油又重。相比之下，在澳洲我幾乎天天自己煮，用好油，少調味，多蔬菜蛋白質，反而吃得更清爽健康。回台之後腸胃立刻抗議。

廁所文化也讓我難以適應。家裡馬桶不能沖衛生紙，每次上完廁所還得把用過的紙丟進垃圾桶，味道永遠揮之不去。

空氣品質也讓我苦不堪言。從清新的布里斯本回到悶熱混濁的城市空氣，身體立刻有反應。再加上馬路上汽機車交織，噪音與油煙夾擊，每次走在路上都像在打仗。

還有，行人地獄真的不是說說而已。走在台中的街頭，常常得走到馬路上，和車爭道。不只是危險，還會讓人感覺「這城市根本不把行人當一回事」。

有人說：「你就回去澳洲啊！」但事實是，我愛台灣。這裡是我成長的地方，有我牽掛的家人和很多美好的記憶。

只是，當你在一個國家生活久了，習慣了那種空氣、空間與生活方式，重新回到原來的地方時，你真的會感覺到自己的變化。

澳洲有很多缺點。生活不方便、店早早就關、沒有夜生活、看病要預約又貴、想唱KTV沒地方唱……

但也正是那種慢、安靜、重視個人空間與健康生活的環境，讓我整個人沉下來了。那樣的節奏，變成了我的日常，也成了我選擇生活的標準。

台灣當然有它美好的地方——離島、花東、溫暖的人情味、便利的生活與安全的街道（至少在犯罪率上）。

如果要我回來長住，或許我會選擇花東或離島這種空氣乾淨、節奏緩慢的地方。

我不討厭台灣，但我也不再是那個能完全適應台灣生活的自己了。