In my childhood, when my parents said I think too much, I felt very unheard. I felt that they don’t care about me at all. To cope, I shut down and never share anything with them.
In my childhood, I received the following messages about myself:
I’m hard to love. I don’t listen.
I was aware that my parents wished the following of me:
To be more like my sister. To listen and be a good daughter.
In my childhood, I wasn’t given privacy. My dad would open my locked drawers and make fun of me. It’s a violation! And he thought he was a caring father. Ha! Fuck him! I remember my disbelief when I saw my locked drawer being opened. The disrespect. He slapped me. Beat me. Humiliated me. And yet he thought of himself a perfect father! What the fuck! Yes. I didn’t go and see him when he was in prison but I wasn’t a preferred daughter anyway. I stop feeling guilty. I couldn’t say no so I rebelled. I was told to do the housework because I’m a girl. Yet he thought he doesn’t favour sons over daughters. What a fucking hypocrite! When only sons names in the deed. I fucking paid the mortgage. Because they’re males. Ha! He said he’s a very fair father! Bullshit. He had to say it out loud to convince himself! She had someone stalking me. She talked behind me. I never felt secure at home cuz I heard her talking shit about me.
My grandma said out loud that I’m fat and had a big arse and my mum didn’t stop her. She laughed at my crooked teeth. I felt very ugly!
When my parents got angry, they shouted. My mum threw money at me when I asked for it. Like I was worthless. They badmouth others in front of me. When I got angry, they ignored or punished me. I never taught how to regulate my emotions.
Journey to finding love within 