14/7/21

I watched the trauma film yesterday and it brought out so much trauma I’ve experienced before. My mum was just like my dad, she belittled, humiliated and ignored me when I was growing up. I also watched her being belittled and humiliated by my father.
None of them were doing it on purpose to hurt me but what they did did hurt me.
So to protect myself, I see myself as insignificant and unworthy. I desperately want others to respect me to compensate being belittled. So when others don’t respect me, I take it personally. My parents never said I’m beautiful. They talked about my crooked teeth and even showed others my crooked teeth. I wasn’t allowed to have long hair because the shape of my head is funny. I watched my mum brushing and braided my sister’s long hair while I was forced to have my hair cut regularly.
Growing up, I was never enough.
I can forgive but I can’t forget.
I may be a difficult child but I still was a child who wants unconditional love and attention.
So from now on, I don’t wanna force myself to build a different kind of relationship with my mum. I find when I force myself and feel the need to get it done, I betray myself and I feel bad.
I wanna create a loving relationship between me and my inner child as I think for now, it’s far more important.
Also, I am gonna stop feeling bad for not having a close relationship with my mum as I wanna accept myself.