Met Fred on a speed dating event on Thursday and we matched. We exchanged text messages and flirted a lot. I realised he’s only 30. Eleven years younger than me. He doesn’t care and neither do I. We saw each other on Sunday and held hands and kissed.
Now he’s eager for sex. I’m attracted to him physically but not emotionally. I only want to have sex with a man when I feel emotionally connected to him. I only wanna have sex with my boyfriend. What’s the point of having sex with a man I’m dating? I love the emotionally connection. I feel that when I’m emotionally connected to a man, I can enjoy sex more freely. We said goodbye as he insisted on sex before relationship.
Although I’ve always wanted sex after relationship, I find myself trying to find a reason to compromise myself to please him. What the hell is wrong with me? It reminds me of Leigh and the birth control pills. I didn’t wanna take the pills but to please him, I took them anyway. And look what happened, he still left me.
I wanna do things that make me happy. I’d love to have sex with Fred if I was looking for casual sex but I’m not. He said he likes to go with the flow and whatever happens happens. I really wanna respect myself this time. I wanna do things for myself. We’ve only dated once and this conversation already came up. He even invited me over to his place for the second date. I don’t think we know each other very well. I want to be courted. I went to be taken care of. I want him to want to know me more. I want him to take me out on a date. I want him to plan the date. I want him to drive to me. I want him to woo me.
The bloody Fred didn’t do any of that. He let me paid for my own meal and entree. After we held hands, he let me pay for our dessert. He didn’t offer to pay or say thank you. Not a fucking thing. This is the first time in my life that I paid for a man on the first date. I’m happy to pay for my own meal but definitely not his.
It’s truly clear now that he might be a match physically. However, emotionally, we’re not.
Now I know that I can flirt and flirt is fun. I also know that I’m attractive and I’m a lot more confident than when I was with Leigh. Most importantly, my body remembers how to kiss!
I’m proud of myself.
Journey to finding love within 